– Disassociated Press
June 25, 2027
Congress today passed the controversial Helping Hand Gun Act of 2027 by a margin of one vote. The new law mandates that every person in the United States be armed. President Limbaw-Coalbear is expected to sign the bill into law sometime later this week. After that, the first guns will be delivered in the spring of 2028. The bill has been lauded by some but vilified by others. The vote was the result of thirty-seven hours of debate on the Senate floor and three dirty stalling tactics by the Senate minority. Speaking outside the Capitol Building the Senate majority leader Charlie “quick draw” Budding (R-TX) had this to say, “This bill is probably one of the most important things Congress has ever passed, more important even than social security or healthcare. No more will people have the right to possess and bear arms, but be denied that right by economic or social circumstance. Today is a good day for liberty, today the Second Amendment has been given to all, equally, with no malice. It is high time that after over two hundred and fifty years this country will finally enforce one of the core amendments we were founded on.” The speaker went on to describe the personal story of Pedro Ignacias who saw his family murdered in 2013 and did not have access to a gun to stop his parents killers. He briefly teared up as Pedro came onto the stage to thank members of Congress for passing the bill.
However, resistance to the bill has been high. Democrats everywhere have been calling the bill unconstitutional at its core, a usurpation of liberty. “Have you read the bill,” the House minority speaker Snip Weasel (D-MA) went on record. “They are going to tax, tax, and tax to get the money to pay for all these guns. And for what? Who benefits by having a gun? There is no need for them. That is what we have police and military for. The Second Amendment was never meant to give everyone a gun. There is no universal right to firearms, you can’t use an amendment to justify this. It is an abuse of congressional power. Additionally, there is a provision in the bill on page 1734, section 188.8.131.52.1.2a that says the first time a federal or state agent asks to see your federally mandated firearm and you cannot present it you will be fined $750. This is the epitome of ridiculousness. What if we don’t want a gun? Have you considered that. What if we are already happy with the guns we do have. The American public should not be forced to have a firearm.”
There are further arguments. The National Association for the Putting Forward of Non-White Persons came out against the bill saying it was designed to give better, larger caliber guns to the rich white people in the United States and that non-whites would only be able to afford the cheapest guns under their gun act insurance. “Once again the white man is doing an injustice to the rest of the country. We’re to be expected to simply buy these .32 and .380 autos. Where’s our Barreetas our SIC SOURS, our Glops. It’s not right and they won’t get away with it. These rich people will be getting fully automatic assault weapons because they make more money and can afford the upgrades to their vouchers.” said Jamal Racebaiter president of the NAPFNWP. The National Machine Gun Association on the other hand believes this will cause a drop in gun related deaths as well as better gun education for all people across the United States. “Just think how much gun deaths will go down as people take the mandatory gun safety and handling classes. Total access by all will drop death and accident rates by over a third we calculate.”
Some worry about the future of the gun and ammunition industry as a whole, especially as we learn more and more about what was contained in the bill now that it has been passed. Nevertheless, the bill has passed and you should expect a rise in taxes across the board as the government ramps up to fund vouchers for firearms purchases in the next six months.
Sound crazy? Any time congress thinks they can regulate how Americans live their lives it is crazy.