I have been married for a number of years now to a woman who is normally a very wonderful person. I would have posted a picture of her, but I have been threatened with bodily harm should I do so and I really don’t want to tell the doctor that I ran into a door for the third time this month. Yup, the threat was that thinly veiled. Anyway, so the wife and I have an agreement, the last person in bed gets the light. This has worked for a number of years and has not caused any strife…that is until last night when she blatantly ignored the rules and used a technicality to have me turn out the lights. This breach of protocol was so egregious I had no choice but to tell the entire internet.
So, after watching some Olympics we went upstairs to go to sleep. We did our bed time things and got ready, turned out the house lights, made sure the doors were locked, had our last drinks of water, all that. So I walk into the room and the wife, who for my own protection I will call, Totally Super Awesome Wife, because lets face it I say her real name, I am in the doghouse. If I give her an alias, not only am I in the doghouse but now I have to explain why I’ve called her by another woman’s name and just who am I thinking about, so the alias thing is out. Should I call her wife number one, now she will want to know who wife number two is and just how long am I planning to string her along before dumping her for some slutty super model I work with. (I think that is how they imagine it anyway). Thus Totally Super Awesome Wife or TSAW!!!! Okay, so I go into the room and TSAW is laying across the bed, sideways, over the covers. I can’t get into bed.
This poses a dilemma because I can’t get into bed, but she isn’t in the bed either. She is bed stealing, like a cat would, taking up an unfairly large amount of space, while pinning the covers down. So I ask her to move and I get under the covers. she looks at me, still above the covers, and tells me to get the light. What! I was in bed first! I said I was in bed first and explained my rationale. Not only did TSAW reject my rationale, she changed the whole nature of the definition of being in bed. Seven years of peaceful light turning out, and she rejected it like so much detritus on the spot. I told her, it would be like standing on the toilet to change a lightbulb and claiming you were using the bathroom. TSAW told me that standing on the toilet is now a valid use of the toilet and changing the bulb is technically using the bathroom. I don’t even know the woman I married anymore.
What did I do. I turned out the light like the good, wonderful man that I am, I’ll probably turn out the light tomorrow as well.