Let me put it to you this way. I am a good consumer, but I am not a great consumer. A great consumer is someone who saves not a dime, but pours the entirety of their existence into purchasing more stuff, just so they can throw the old stuff away because they don’t have room, even though there was probably nothing wrong with the old stuff at all. These people are the real consumers that keep the country ticking, or so the government and others would have you believe. I mean after all the cornerstone of Keynesian economics is that you can spend yourself out of debt and into prosperity. So all these people racking up their credit cards, and draining their savings account, or not having savings account, because again according to the current administration and even the FDR administrations, saving too much by ordinary Americans is what depresses the economy. Thank God for Black Friday in this case.
I am not normally a Black Friday shopper, but I decided to go and do some observation of the phenomenon this year after I pushed myself away from the table, sweating turkey gravy and dropping a couple of alka-seltzers. The wife informed me of our plan, shared the attack strategy, the maps, the ads, the alternate routes, the deals no one else would be chasing, the groups we would be aligning ourselves with at various points during the raid, and about 18 other things I wasn’t keeping track of. I was nodding my head, glancing over between the football plays on the television. Although I did miss one spectacular play when I did a double take because I only noticed in passing that the kind, never argumentative, demure and gentle soul who is my wife was packing a 100,000 volt stun gun into her purse for those, “Sons of B@#$% who think they’re going to get my deals!” Suddenly I was more interested in what was going to happen at this thing they call the Black Friday. Yeah, I know it is called that because it is the time of year that a lot of retailers move from the red ink into the black ink for the year, but if my wife was planning on maiming people at this thing, there might be another reason.
We arrived at the parking lot of the Best Buy at 9pm, the place wasn’t going to open for three more hours, but there we were the 702nd people in line waiting for, X, X, and X, to be purchased with x,x,x,x, and finally x. (names of items have been redacted to protect the receivers of gifts this Christmas who might not appreciate the amount of blood spilled for Christmas cheer and joy). There I watched these people, who looked dead and cold, wait. Some of them had been waiting since Wednesday afternoon, I asked them directly. Apparently a $200, 40″ television is more important than spending time with family. Wow, yup, I don’t understand you people at all, but I sure can get caught up in the group dynamics. You know how one person can remain calm, but when a group panics everyone does. Well yeah, when this group started flailing at 1202 I joined right in. The mad rush for the door, the screaming, trampling, pushing of old people and children onto the floor to be the first ones to get the best priced items. I admit I was caught up in the blood lust. That is how I found myself sucker punching a man probably ten years older than I was while the wife tasered at least two of his children to get an X, which we totally got the last four of them. I don’t know what we were going to do with them but they were on sale. We then moved on to strategic defense as we tried to claim everything on the wife’s list, while losing nothing from our cart to the other sharks and piranhas in the store. My knuckles were sore by the time we left and someone had taken a bite, a literal bite, out of my coat. I have a recollection of punching either a short woman or a tall child, not sure really. But in the end we made it to the car with all our items and lighter several thousand dollars in the wallet.
Then it was off to Target for more waiting, fueled by coffee and red rage, we arrived just in time for the storming of the doors. Most of the employees had clad themselves in makeshift armor made out of the left over pallets and what not from the Black Friday unpacking. There was even a manager with a riot shield. It didn’t help any of them, they were washed away by the throng of angry shoppers. Again, the wife and I prevailed, winning at every turn, taking more lumps and dishing them out indiscriminately. Get too close, wham foot in the chest. Lunge at us, taser shot. I’d have said, come at me bro, but I didn’t have to, they were coming whether I wanted it or not. We escaped Target and while swapping out tasers and finally arming myself with a lead sap, we were off to the final six stores on the list.
The remaining hours until daylight are a blur of violence, discovery, shopping carts, and credit card swipes. In the end we returned home with all the shopping done for the first part of Christmas and there was only ten thousand dollars on the credit card, but you should see all the stuff we got. Damn, that was some good shopping.