Today we celebrate Valentine’s Day with the traditional lingerie and chocolate…which for some reason have been paired together for the 14th of February. I apparently forgot this and now will either suffer the consequences or run out to the grocery store to get the last wilted bouquet. “My love is like a flower…good for three days if kept in water.” Hmmm, that won’t work at all on a card. Then I will have to find a good restaurant. But, there will be massive waiting lines to get into any decent restaurant, and no I don’t mean Appleby’s or Chili’s or whatever the local chain restaurant is called. Oh sure, there will be lines there too, but I meant lines at a good restaurant. Plus I have to leave for work and Hallmark isn’t open. Curse Hallmark.
Hallmark has been pimping its corporate sponsorship of this event for sixty or so years, telling men you don’t have enough mass-produced cards, chocolates, bric-a-brac or red velvet stuffed bears holding hearts that say “Wuv U” (throws up a little in mouth while typing that tripe) Hallmark is the scourge of the modern holiday always insisting that if you don’t have their cards, decorations, and other corp crap you can’t love someone, be irish, celebrate the 4th, consume turkey, and etc. I’m surprised they haven’t announced a campaign to get a holiday somewhere in August that takes cards and stuffed animals.
Mind you I have no idea how this “holiday” ended up here or why I am running around for this stuff. It is pointless. All we really know for certain is that sometime during the third century AD a priest, Christian, monk, something by the name of Valentine or more precisely Valentinus, was martyred on February 14th. His name appears in the Martyrologium Hieronymianum “Martyrology of Jerome” in the 400’s which was a list of all Christian Martyrs. The feast of St. Valentine of February 14 was first established in 496 byPope Gelasius I, who included Valentine among all those “… whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God.” As Gelasius implies, nothing was yet known to him about his life.
It wasn’t until the middle ages and Chaucer that we associated Valentine’s day with romance. In 1381, Chaucer wrote a poem in honor of the marriage of King Richard II of England and Anne of Bohemia: “For this was on St. Valentine’s Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate.”
So basically because we know nothing about this guy, there is no history on him, no historiography that can be put together we’re going to give him a magical love holiday based on a poet in the middle ages. Then we are going to use it to pimp cards, stuffed bears made in China out of really hazardous shit, and wax laced chocolates and other sub-standard candy. I think this will work.
If you seriously need Valentine’s day to express your depth of love to your significant other, you are doing it wrong. But at least you are probably doing it with over-priced roses and waxy chocolate, so you won’t be sleeping on the couch tonight like I will be.