Right at the end of January the Army tweeted out about an article on “Chinks in Special Ops’ digital and Physical Armor pose challenges, Experts say.” This was a fairly innocuous tweet, however there is always someone out there with an addiction to moral outrage and these people read the title to be “Chinks, in Special Ops’…” and yes that term in a derogatory term for someone of Asian descent but the phrase has been in use since the 1400’s and idiomatically since the 1600’s to describe vulnerabilities. But never ones to let facts get in the way the politically correct crowd brow beat the Army into rescinding the article in mere minutes and then later apologizing, which got me thinking what if the moral outrage was directed at the Navy, what would the article read like…well here it is.
Washington D.C. 10 February 2015
Biased Press contributed to this report
In a move that came as little surprise today, the United States Navy held a press conference to announce that they were officially abandoning the overly sexist and possibly misogynistic phrase Seaman to describe all enlisted members in the first three ranks. This comes on the heels of a year-long protest against the term that had been covered extensively by this news group. Instead, men would now be referred to as Seamen and women would be Seawomen. The Navy furthermore felt that this was appropriate given that women had been serving for ninety-eight years in uniform since Loretta Walsh became the first woman to enlist in the Navy in 1917.
That is when the conference broke down into what could only be described as a bloodbath. Not to be placated by the measure, the International Body of Wymyn (IBW) stood up in the middle of the conference and interrupted the conference to ask why the Navy would continue honoring the “outmoded and overly sexual term for the patriarchal contribution to reproduction.” The Navy Chief of Staff retorted that the terms have nothing to do with each other because they are spelled differently. A reporter from one of the major news agencies spoke up and said, “that shouldn’t matter because spell checker won’t find it as an error if I used the wrong one, which could leave us open to a lawsuit.” A parade of jeers began and the two Navy individuals had a quick sidebar.
Coming back the mic, the spokesman said that all individuals regardless of sex would now be referred to as Seapeople if in a group and Seaperson for an individual. However, the Navy would also institute a new series of colors and phrases for different careers to further differentiate the many fields within the Navy, for example a Nuclear submarine tech could be referred to as a Seanuker and a dental tech could be a Seatoother. The Navy would have a full list out in the next week that they would submit for approval to the Freedom from God foundation, the IBW, the LGBTQRSL community, and PITA. They then concluded their press conference and left in a hurry.
Only four hours later the President appeared in the Rose Garden to make a statement. He told the crowd of reporters that he was shocked and dismayed that the Navy had been using this term for over two hundred years. He also said that he didn’t know that this was going on. He had only been informed of the situation that morning by staffers who usually hide information from him like Easter eggs on the White House lawn. He quickly shifted the blame to President Bush then lit up a cigarette for a more informal Q & A. During the question period he did tell the reporters that the Chief of Staff of the Navy had voluntarily and with no prompting what-so-ever had thrown himself on his sword and delivered his resignation letter to the President, taking the blame for not changing the offensive term as soon as he took the position. He then informed us that his staffers were looking at terms of address in all the military branches for further racist, sexist, and overly sexual terms of address. If they found any they would let him know, because he really doesn’t know about those things, and they would be addressed.
This reporter thinks that Air Force Airmen ought to lookout.